4:20 am, eyes snapped open. Literally shaking, stomach hurts. This weird headache that isn’t a headache in my forehead, well, all around my head.
This is good news though, because other 4 nights this abrupt ripping from sleep happened earlier. At 3:38 AM to be precise, night after night. I felt like Bill Murray in Ground Hog’s Day. Things are getting better I can tell, because now my waking isn’t accompanied by waves of sorrow and the intense desire that I need to either find a way to transform myself into the next Gandhi so I have any hope of saving the world, or by waves of self loathing: What right do I have to feel this way, I wasn’t even there, my feeling this way makes me focus on myself, it is because deep down inside I am a drama queen, a dive–’waaa waaa, don’t look at the millions of people who are suffering, look at me, look at me, I hurt, I really and truly hurt.” Pathetic. or the ever popular: ‘look at you, what good are you as a disaster responder when you aren’t tough enough to handle this. ’
If you are feeling anything similar, let me share with you about what I know about it, and how I was at least able to move from intense focus on suffering, to seeing that there is a path out of there.
Here’s how it happens
We humans are social animals-before we can even hold up our heads, we are already starting the process of mimicking our care givers faces–and definitely being influenced by their mood. When I think of how people are affected by others moods, I think of a light bulb attached to a solar panel. The brightness of the bulb changes depending on what light is being shown on it. Some people are really good at filtering out external light, while others really have to be careful because just walking by a stranger can lead to big light changes. So our moods and emotions are in a state of constant fluctuation. When you think about it, you can see the evolutionary benefit for having our emotions be able to be influenced by total strangers. Imagine life in the cave, you have your concerns about your social status, will you mate tonight, should you fix that basket, or just put a scrap of leather on the inside (prehistoric duct tape)–in runs someone who is clearly scared and running for his life. Which clan survives longest, the one that waits until the person has a chance to catch their breath and explain what is going on, or the one that has its members instantly react by being poised and ready to either fight, or run? We humans have emergency buttons that can be hit, and once they are we go into an automatic intense stress response. Automatic, as in, doesn’t matter how tough you are, in the right circumstances it happens to you.
Ever wonder what the source of our feelings actually are? Not the source in the sense of the beauty pageant contestant discussing deep love of her home town–but source in the sense of ‘where did these come from, how did they get here? The source of emotions, moods, attitudes and most opinions are naturally created chemicals our body produces. Our brain’s subconscious which signals our body to release just the right amount of chems to get the mood it is hoping for–to communicate to us what our opinion on things should be. It uses brain chemicals to tell us when we are standing too close to people, to tell us who we should try to stand too close too. To say that we like that color on that person, but don’t like the person. The chemicals play their role creating a certain mood, until another chemical is added to the mix that either changes or neutralizes it.
Our conscious minds can play with these chemicals too, we can read a sad story and trigger chems that make us feel sad, we can sigh or laugh and trigger chemicals that neutralize the sad ones, all day long we are balancing positive and negative emotions, hopefully with more positive in our systems at the end of the day, but we all know that isn’t always the case.So, when we’ve had a severe stress reaction triggered it means that our brain got the signal that danger is imminent and pumped our bodies full of massive amounts of stress chemicals—we are in danger: ACT! For those of us experiencing vicarious trauma, our response was triggered in error, we aren’t personally in danger, but we are primed to take actions as if we were, and that state is hard to deal with, made worse by life going on as normal for everyone who it didn’t happen to.
What are signs that you are in the middle of a stress response?
Hyper-vigilance-your mind attempting to search out and find the source of the danger. This can translate into the feeling that you must keep watching the news, you must stay engaged with the situation. You are probably looking for patterns that imply it could happen to your family–suddenly noticing just how many earthquakes happen every day on this planet. You may feel like snapping at people who distract you with ordinary life conversation or questions–don’t disturb me, I’m looking for predators. One of the ways I could tell I was having a higher than average stress response was that 3 mornings in a row when I drove on 405 I thought I saw someone standing right on the edge of the road causing me to jump. Each time it was the same lamp post that I’ve driven past for years. Driving into the garage I gasped because I thought I saw a child inside our fence looking over right at us-when I looked over, it was the lamp on the fence post. Huh? Hyper-vigilance, the feeling you must stay focused on something or find patterns that will warn of danger, even though neither actions actually useful–either to help, or to stay safe.
Primed to fight Your mind is searching out the predator in your midst. This part can really mess lives up. When you don’t understand that you are experiencing an automatic response, you take this search seriously. When I started not sleeping night after night it didn’t seem possible to me that I was not sleeping due to the images I had seen from the disaster-it was obviously related to work, in fact, obviously related to…. and I went to work and had a meeting with my boss, and everything got worked out…..and then the next night my eyes snapped open at 3:38. It is so easy to make serious life changing errors right now. You are primed to feel that something is not right with the world, with your life-these are brain chemicals that exist to make you feel that way. Will you decide that something is your job? Your lover? Yourself? Because with the priming to find the source is the desire to tear the source apart. It is so so easy to make permanent changes to your life that may not be able to be undone–based on misdirected emotions.
The desire to run away A typical feeling with vicarious trauma is the desire to escape. You have chemicals in your system priming you to make a run for it–depending on what you’ve decided is the target of your unhappiness this desire can be ‘quit my job’ ‘leave my family’ ‘lose consciousness’. It is also a cause of major ‘can’t ever fix’ mistakes and when acted upon, can really increase the likelihood that this experience had a multi year, even a multi generation impact on you and your family.
The impulse to sacrifice long term goals for short term needs It is an emergency, you need to act–when cornered it feels logical to give up all of the things you thought were important to make yourself feel uncornered (and sometimes this is true) My Kingdom for a Horse, or this episode of The Office, where they are using the copy machine to break the door down. This impulse says: it’s OK not to do the things you normally do, you are suffering-don’t go to that meeting, don’t focus on your family. Sacrificing long term plans when you are not literally saving your life is a mistake, be careful to look for signs and be very cautious. Work to pause your thinking and focus outward, the people who are most successful find ways to compartmentalize their emotions. I have to admit I have never been one of those people, but I do now and then catch that I’m putting off making dinner and force myself to see that from my family’s perspective, that could be interpreted as a sign that I consider other’s more important than I consider them. I pry myself away from the computer or my thoughts and turn outward-and then I find this was exactly the right thing to do, it helps. At work I’ve been making lists to help me refocus on what my ‘to do’ list was before everything happened.
The desire to communicate The first days after the earthquake, I inundated my twitter stream with a multi day river of consciousness feed from me that has been literally hundreds of tweets a day. Neurologists say that brain scans show women get this more than men. Like that is a surprise.
The desire to hide your injuries Primates, birds, and many other animals will hide the fact they are injured, often making it hard to know they need care until it is too late. It isn’t hard to see why this would be useful in a world of predators and ‘dogs eating dogs’. This adds to the feeling of social akwardness when you are injured, and the tendency to absolutely deny that this is happening to you. It can massively prolongue your return to normal because it means you feel the need to not give yourself a break, do everything you would have done–and punish yourself for every slip. Own up to your injury, try to avoid telling everyone about it (I don’t think I have succeeded in this bit at all, oh well) recognize that you may be avoiding calling a counselor or going to talk to your doctor, prolonging your recovery, because you don’t wan’t to admit to yourself that this is real.
What can you do?
Talk to a counselor: I’m not a mental health professional, if you are experiencing real pain, and are overwhelmed by our feelings, please call a crisis line, they do not judge in any way. Chances are, the people who aren’t undergoing the intense emotions you are feeling really and don’t understand their source. Counselors totally get it, they don’t know how you feel, but they can tell you about how it is very natural to feel the way you do, even though it seems so removed from how you would feel on an ordinary day.
Forgive Everyone, Especially Yourself: Your body and mind are looking out for you. All of this is your subconscious accidentally misreading the signals it was viewing. It feels bad about it, happens to every subconscious now and then. If you feel angry at people, let it go. For the next few weeks everyone gets a ‘you are driving me friking crazy, but I’m not going to care’ pass. Anyone who reacts angrily at you–apologize to them. Yes, you are right, they did show disrespect/say something stupid/not clean that up….doesn’t matter. Disengage. There is a such a large chance that your subconscious misinterpreted something and decided that finally it found the target of your angst. Wait until you feel back to your normal self, and if the topic is still under your skin, bring it up then without the emotion.
Don’t mistake forgiving your self with giving yourself permission Be careful not to accidentilly extend the length of your recovery by getting into the habit of pampering yourself, or putting your suffering first because it feels kind of good. The people and roles that depend on you need you back. You are recovering from an injury, it is very real. It was not your fault, you experienced something when you weren’t braced to see it–very similar to throwing your back out unexpectedly because your legs weren’t braced. Be kind to yourself, give yourself a break. Pause very feeling of self doubt or ‘I have to change this’ and gently tell yourself ‘no’. Then refocus on the outside world.
No life changing decisions This is really so so so important! Promise me you will make no life changing decisions for the next period. “Flight” means feeling like your reality is unacceptable so you have to leave it. If that is true, it will be unacceptable for at least a few more weeks, so just wait until then so you can be sure that the life you are living now really does need a change, because chances are it isn’t so bad, once you remove the chemicals from your system screaming that you can’t take it anymore. (This is only true if you aren’t leaving to get away from abuse or the threat of violence, in that case, please please go)
Divert emotions to outlets that won’t cause long term damage You are primed to fight, run, and communicate, your system wants you to do these things. Find ways to do it that won’t mess up your life. ‘Fight’ can be done with a computer game (though avoid the compulsion to play a really violent game, because that will feel great, but really be adding more of the same chemicals to your system extending things), or by going and hitting a pillow, or finding a place with no one around and yelling in rage, jumping up and down (preferably not on a street corner). Flight can be done with moderate exercise, if the Dr says is OK. Avoid alcohol since there it will add more stress chemicals to your system, and it makes it even easier to make life changing awful mistakes (add a DUI or worse to your mood and see if it helps.)
Reframe Your Reactions If you are feeling similar things to me, you are making a lot of typos because your fingers jerk a bit. Your muscles feel tense, shaking even. Your body is trying to help you out–you aren’t tense, you are infused with the same energy that you could use to lift a bus off a small child. You aren’t tense, you are poised to make super human feats. Don’t try to lift any buses, but use that energy to realize it is there to help you do amazing things, not to make things harder for you. Go use up that energy, go for a hike (OK, if you are in California or the Pacific Northwest today-please never go hiking during a big windstorm)
Start the process of digging yourself out Negative stress chemicals have to be neutralized with positive ones or they will stay in your system making future stress responses worse–you already have a lot of chems in your system, so all the new chemicals mean your system is overflowing and you won’t be feeling the emotions your sub conscious is trying to produce, you will be feeling this weird unpleasant chemical concoction instead. Countering chemicals that make you feel unhappy and stressed with chemicals that make you feel relaxed and able to be happy is easier said than done when you have so many more of the first. The best thing is to step away from the source of the stress. Turn off the TV, don’t read information about what is happening, don’t look at pictures. Unless you have a formal role in the response, it will move forward the same whether you are focused on it or not. I know that I often find myself feeling that I need to fight to keep grieving, that, surely, somehow my feeling pain with all of the people who are suffering helps. It actually doesn’t if you aren’t in the same location as the people that have faced the loss. It often seems to me that this is hard to believe, even if logic implies it would be true–I suspect that, again, it goes back to evolution, that if we grieve together, we can lighten the load of the person directly harmed, but really, the people hit hardest have not been able to read any newspapers or watch the news so do not even know that the well of emotion in the world exists. (which is so unfair, by the way) It is OK for you to let go of the need to maintain the focus on your pain. It is important that we experienced it, it does matter, but it becomes possible to pull away from the people and world around you-the world around you needs your warm positive energy back. You won’t be able to until you give yourself permission to pull back. If this feels hard, please go talk to a counselor or spiritual guide by phone or in person so they can help you find your way back.
Maintain your routine and social interaction People who aren’t going through this experience do not get it. They can not experience what you are experiencing, and since your brain is searching for predators, and primed to fight, there is a good chance everything they say you will feel was misunderstanding you, or worse, was confirming your worries about yourself. That feeling, that you are in danger can make it very easy to feel that the social ackwardness and gaffs you are making are going to have a long term effect on your life-you will always be veiwed as flawed, youwill ruin your reputation. You start feeling that the people who loved you are getting sick of hearing about it (and they probably are, they aren’t in a state where they need to analyze and re-analyze the situation) The idea of hiding out by yourself until it goes away starts feeling really really good. Don’t, this will prolongue your recovery the most! This can take this short term event and turn it into a multi-year event. Go, do the things you normally do. Make your social gaffs, forgive yourself for them. Don’t sacrifice your future by making dramatic gestures in the middle of board meetings, but if you do, forgive yourself, you won’t be judged by this tiny moment unless you then disappear leaving people to scratch their heads.
Build Your Bliss Countering stress chemicals with relaxation chemicals is easier said than done when you are suffering. Things not only don’t feel funny, but it feels inappropriate to even think of being funny. I found myself looking at a video of a cute kitty and thinking “No kitty, you are not cute, stop trying so hard.” Lucky for us, we don’t have to actually feel good to start the process of releasing the chemicals we need to neutralize the other ones, we just have to think about feeling good. It’s true, just like you can read a sad story and cry on a day when you felt great until that moment, you can read, watch and imagine things about laughter, beauty and happiness–and it will start releasing all of those chemicals automatically.
Breath Out: We also release relaxation chemicals just by breathing out from our diaphragms. Think of when you are trying something tricky, and it turns out OK, what do you do: “Whew” why do you do that? That “Whew” just released the chemicals to counter that tension you felt doing the tricky thing. Try it now. Imagine just solving a tricky situation: “Whew” did you feel it? For that brief second? Some singing feels great and inspirational-what is it: breathing out. A bit stressed, things are a bit tricky: sigh. breathing out. You are super happy-a different type of sigh. Breathing out. Hey, do that different type of sigh right now. You are super happy-siiiiiiigh. Did you feel that? You don’t feel happy at all, but for that second pretending you do and sighing, in that second you just neutralized some of the other stuff. Now, there’s way more of it than that one fake happy sigh can handle, but be patient. The most effective way to release a whole lot of chems through the outward burst of air is laughing: “ha ha ha ha” that really is a burst of: positive chem positive chem positive chem positive chem. You can fake laugh and get it, but the best is real laugh. What are other examples: mediation: “Oooooooooooom”, prayer. So take a break from the news to do things you remember have helped you feel positive in the pats. At the start they aren’t going to feel like they are working, you will wonder how you could have laughed/stayed focused before–but over a few hours you will slowly but surely start feeling like you are closer to reaching sunlight again.
Go Find Your Happy. That is your goal. Give yourself permission to look at all the things in your life a new. Go notice tiny bits of beauty–stop and smell the roses. You are surrounded by amazing and beautiful things on all sides, celebrate each one you notice. A cool thing about being in the throes of a triggered stress response is that life is really intense. This hurts when you are in the period where you are trapped by sad thoughts, but the fun thing about a stress response is that it is possible to move to a point where you aren’t in emotional pain, but your life is still intense because most of those chemicals are still there. I went with my family to the zoo, my ‘must communicate’ had me making attempts to talk to the different animals, I think I made headway with the gorilla, my poor son though (he’s 12, he looooved seeing his mom doing that) Everything feels more real, I kept getting these urges to touch the bark of that tree, the texture of this rock, oooh moss, so soft. Once you succeed in moving away from the pain, it is an opportunity to see and celebrate your ordinary life in a new way. So, notice that, getting yourself to feel good again isn’t going to mean you are done, aren’t at risk of errors and will be sleeping, that will come, but not yet. So, my last point:
Be patient Did you know that if you dial 9-1-1 into a cell phone in the US it will switch into emergency mode and scan for any local tower it can connect to at all regardless of whether you have a cell phone account, or if the tower is for another cell phone’s network. So, even if you cancelled your account, your phone can call 9-1-1. It is asked that you lock your cell phone keypad so you don’t accidentally dial 9-1-1. That happens all of the time, and when it does, your phone won’t work normally until it is finished with the process of searching out all of those towers, you just have to wait it out. THIS IS THE SAME WITH US. We all accidentally dialed 9-1-1 and now our system is in emergency mode. We can reduce the impact, and speed up recovery through slowly but surely filling ourselves with so much happiness it finally tips the scales–but don’t assume that is going to be quick. I have stopped the cycle of actively hurting, I still feel for the people hurt, I still mourn with them, but I am not where I was-unable to see joy. I see joy again, I feel it to. But–notice I’m still not sleeping, notice that I still hung up on my mother last night (I have apologized and managed to resist the almost overwhelming urge to lay out just exactly why I was totally justified. I feel like I was, I know I wasn’t. For the next period, I will NOT be trusting my gut, I will not be going with my feelings. I will be going with what I know. I know we can get through this. We will sleep again.
Update, 7 nights later: Remember that this whole process takes time. The toughest thing for me has been the shortlived, but recurring, feeling that I go back to square one every time you fall asleep (even if you have managed to find a way to recenter on the world when you need to, calming down your emotional responses, at night, the physiological/subconscious response get full control, so you may have horrible nightmares (mine have been taking bits from the funny videos and movies I’ve been watching and turning them into horror montages: Nick from Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist torched some fluffy baby geese, but was then shot multiple times by an angry passerby.) You may have night terrors (One night I lept from the bed yelling in Russian: ’BUMZH’ and trying to throw things at my husband. I was convinced he was an intruder that had crawled through the window) Last night I woke up in a cold sweat and a pounding headache and heart. Today I’m going to go talk to the doctor to see what they recommend to reduce the impact on my body. I’ve had success calming myself down by listening to this specific ‘OM video’ and just soothing myself by pretending my subconscious is just a scared animal trembling from thunder.